Family Vacation: A Nightmare or a Dream?
Dr. A,
Each year as our family vacation approaches I begin to have a feeling of dread. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with my family and I'm thankful we can take a vacation, but traveling with small kids turns into a nightmare for us at times. The kids are complaining or my husband is complaining and after a while it just isn't fun any more. Can you offer some advice as to how to make travel a better experience for all of us as a family?
Dear Dreading Family Vacation,
It sounds like you need to take a vacation from a family of complainers! Generally, the way couples or families treat each other during their daily lives at home is the way they will behave during together time regardless of location. This misbehavior/complaining is often suppressed or masked by pretense of civility in front of others throughout the community. The exception might be immature adults or children who don’t really care and who will act out anywhere with an attitude edge, anger, inconsideration for others, or, just being naturally obnoxious. These behaviors are always a reflection of self-centered insecurities and are intended to intimidate or embarrass others as a form of control or manipulation. Complainers fall into this category as well and can become unwanted baggage on any trip.
The best way to handle children who are complainers is to teach them how to take care of their own problems (other than illness or medical needs).This is called building self-reliance and is one of the most important skills a parent can teach because it enhances self-esteem and confidence. As long as a task is age-appropriate or a situation is within the capability of a child to correct, have him/her take care of it. The worst thing a parent can do is to enable children by waiting on them or solving their problems before their children have a chance to solve problems by themselves. The goal of parenting is to eliminate dependency in creating future self-reliant adults with good judgment. This approach also decreases whining and complaining.
The best way to work with spouses who complain about things in the home environment is to delegate accountability for the source of their complaint to them, especially where tasks are concerned. The message is that one either appreciates what another family member does for the household or one completes the task himself/herself, thereby eliminating complaints. This means mutual agreement on a division of labor without gender bias both inside and outside the home. Long gone are the gender stereotypes of men’s work and women’s work. When parents do this, they are modeling their expectations for their children who may eventually marry and create families with this type of structure based on teamwork.
With regard to thinking about a vacation, everyone should have input during the planning process, including small children, which creates a feeling of collective ownership. A location should be selected which will accommodate everyone’s needs to truly get away through doing things both fun and relaxing. Usually, resort/amusement park sites are ideal because parents sometimes like to regress a bit and become kids again with their children (Disney World is a good example). Mountain homes or beach houses are nice to own/rent but families end up doing the same things they do at home (cooking, cleaning, laundry, and, yes, complaining), just with a different view. A hotel suite with two bedrooms, a microwave/refrigerator and room service plus eating out at least one or more meals a day deviates from the work and routine from which you are vacationing.
Also, ground rules about complaining or other misbehaviors during the trip must have pre-determined consequences. These need to be written down and agreed upon before the trip begins. Some of these consequences might resemble what is already in place at home or can be slightly modified. The key is not to punish the entire family for one person’s misconduct (e.g., “we’re all staying in the room tomorrow because someone can’t behave or is constantly complaining”). The idea is to plan for both fun and meaningful time together which will create fond memories for the future instead of nightmares of the past.
