Manipulation and Parents


Dr. A,
My mother and brother have not spoken to one another for years. Recently, my mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have asked them to try to put aside their differences in order to have a conversation with one another. I realize it is their problem to work through, but I do not want to see my brother living with the regret that he did not at least try to reach out to our mother before she dies. What advice would you give to my mother or brother to help make this easier for them?

~ Trying to heal old wounds in Alamance County



Dear Trying to Heal Old Wounds,
First, this is a common problem in many families regardless of relation, gender, or generational differences. Also, each family has at least one peacemaker like you who simply wants everyone to get along in reasonable harmony. While your efforts are laudable in trying to mediate and encourage reconciliation, you might find yourself being resented by both your mother and brother and asked to mind your own business. This would be the irony of the persistence of your good intentions to help two family members for whom you care a good deal. Not knowing the nature of the issue(s) puts me at a disadvantage in recommending a plausible strategy to facilitate communication between your mother and brother which might result in a peaceful reconciliation.
 
However, there are two considerations in this type of family situation regardless of the issue which has resulted in such a longstanding, emotional division between mother and son. First, there is obviously a sense of urgency that reconciliation occur before the illness takes your mother’s life due to the projected guilt feelings you believe your brother might have in the form of regret as a part of his personal grieving. Secondly, the fact that your mother and brother have not spoken for years does not necessarily mean that they have lost a mother/son love for one another. Though it is not always comfortable and sometimes awkward at family gatherings, some family members find that it’s possible to sustain love for one another, even during ongoing conflict over specific issues, but not necessarily like each other! It sounds like a contradiction, but there will usually be some issues which create lines in the sand within the best of relationships which become respectful boundaries to never discuss past, insolvable conflicts which produce the same, predictable, negative result. Even an optimistic attempt to discuss past differences can result in emotional/psychological pain which compounds the stress of reopening old wounds. There must be a mutual acceptance that there is no solution or, at the very least, an agreed upon truce of compromise.

It is important to note here that most of the major faiths in the world advocate the act of forgiveness which can negate the human need to harbor anger or hatred toward others as well as blaming them for one’s current circumstances or emotional turmoil. Remember, every person is ultimately responsible and accountable for his/her own happiness and level of contentment. We can’t always control what happens to us in life (disappointments, betrayals, unfairness, tragedies, extreme personal disagreements, etc.), but we can control our reactions to these inevitable events. If you could convey these two simple tenets to both your mom and brother without mentioning the past issue of conflict, perhaps your brother might find the courage in his heart to forgive first, thereby becoming proactive with compassion toward his terminally ill mother. He might want to consider writing (not an impersonal email) a personal note to his mom expressing his sincere empathy for her medical condition and express the fact that he will always love her now and forever. Your brother might be surprised at her heartfelt response because a mother’s unconditional love for her children always trumps past issues of disagreement or conflict. 

If this occurs (please let me know if you choose), both will be released from the emotional prison of negativity sustained by hurt, anger, and blame which can consume us and waste the blessing of our allotted, precious time on earth. Mutually sincere forgiveness will result in both of them coming together as a living testament of their commonly held faith that God always reveals Himself in positive acts of goodness and love manifest by unselfish compassion and service to others in need. This is poignantly illustrated in the last lines of the Prayer of St. Francis: “For it is in the giving that we receive; it is in the pardoning that we are pardoned; it is in the dying that we are born to eternal life.”