Men And Post-Partum Depression
Dr. A,After five years of marriage, my wife and I just recently had our first baby. I’m embarrassed to admit that I am having feelings of jealousy towards our baby. Don’t get me wrong, I love our son and feel blessed every day to be a father, but these feelings aren’t going away and I have extreme feelings of guilt for the way that I feel. Is this normal? What can I do to change how I feel?
~Feeling Guilty in Graham
Dear Feeling Guilty in
Graham,
Medical science has long known that some women will
experience post-partum depression when, ironically, one of
the most joyous events in life, giving birth, is sometimes
followed by feelings of sadness, resentment, and almost a
kind of rejection toward the newborn. Many people don’t
realize that a good percentage of men can experience
symptoms of post-partum depression, especially a feeling of
jealousy, because there is now a love triangle within the
husband/wife relationship due to the arrival of a
baby. If you’re feeling of jealousy or resentment continues
for more than two or three weeks, see your physician for
diagnosis and possible treatment through a prescribed
anti-depressant and possible outside counseling.
However, even if there are no obvious symptoms of
post-partum depression, some men have a feeling that the
honeymoon really is over because the couple dynamic
of affection and intimacy has been altered with the
arrival of a third human being, no matter how cute and
adorable. A husband can often feel that he’s no longer the
center of his wife’s attention, adulation, or the only
recipient of her verbal and tactile affection. Though dads
develop a natural bond with their children, it is different
from a mother’s because she has bonded with her baby
for nine months in her womb and has gone through the
excruciating and exhilarating process of giving new life!
We men are often there for support but not really doing the
work or experiencing the pain of intense labor. This
doesn’t mean a father will love his child less than the
mother, but it is truly different due to biology, emotional
psychology and the tendency of a mother’s instinct to
nurture in a special bond, particularly if she nurses her
baby. It is crucial for all dads to understand this
difference between paternal and maternal bonding or they
might experience feelings of jealousy or resentment.
If both spouses don’t understand the aforementioned paradox
of both loving and sometimes resenting their
newborn, stress and tension can begin to strain even the
best of marriages. Rather than resenting the maternal
instinct of his wife’s focusing so much attention and
caring for the new baby, new dads should join her in a
cooperative team effort to hold their new child,
change diapers, bathe him/her, bottle feed, get up in the
night to administer care as needed, and watch/play with
their baby which not only increases bonding but gives mom a
much needed break! One of the most sexy and endearing
qualities of a man to most women is his natural inclination
to interact with and nurture children. Being a mother or
father is the hardest yet most rewarding and
loving commitment in the world. Remember, any boy can
help make a baby, but it takes a man to help raise one.
Lastly, some husbands resent the fact that physical
intimacy with their wives might have begun to decrease
in spontaneity and frequency. It’s not just a matter of his
wife’s body having been altered through pregnancy and
giving birth (men’s bodies alter over time even without the
excuse of physically having children), but there are
many hormonal changes which occur in many women as well
which may affect libido, self-esteem, and sex drive.
She must be given time to recover from the initial
experience of becoming a new mother and to focus on
her baby’s needs without feeling guilty or
pressured to be the exact way she was before both of you
got pregnant.
Remember, her love for the baby will take a higher priority
in terms of attending to the baby’s needs (nurturing,
affection, attention, etc.) than to yours. It doesn’t mean
that your wife loves the baby more than she loves you, it’s
just naturally different and you shouldn’t make a
comparison or resent her for this change in her
continuous focus to care for the baby. In fact, the
more you hold her and the baby together, the more you
support your wife emotionally and in taking care of the
baby, the more she’ll want to get back to the BC
(before children) marriage! When this happens, your love
together will be even stronger and more mature than ever.
All children need unconditional love, acceptance of their
unique identity, predictable structures of reasonable
boundaries based on love and discipline, and most
importantly, your time. They should always be the
manifestation of and common denominator of your marital
love while not being allowed to interfere with the
constancy of the authentic adult love, romance, and
intimate companionship for which you married in the first
place.
