Letting Go Of Daddys Little Girl


Dr. A,
My oldest daughter just turned fifteen years old. There is a boy that is interested in her and would like to take her out on a date. She talks with him on the phone and texts him on a regular basis. The problem is my husband gets very upset when he finds out she was talking with a boy and insists he is not going to allow her to date. Our daughter is a very good student, participates in various community activities and is active in our church. We couldn't ask for a better daughter. How can I make my husband understand that our daughter is growing up and dating is a part of that? How can I make him see he needs to let his little girl go?

-Concerned Mom in Graham.


Until the beginning of the 20th century in America, it was quite normal for girls in their mid-teens to marry, do farm labor, maintain a household, and have four or more children to help out. Living was hard and life expectancies for men and women averaged somewhere between 40 - 45 years. There are still many cultures throughout the world which encourage girls in their early teens to marry and have many children. In essence, the answer to your question is based less on biological readiness and more on developmental trust and character between your husband and daughter.

In my general observations over the years, dads who are often overly protective of their daughters were once the boys whom they want their daughters to avoid! Some of these dads will say they trust their daughters but simply don't trust the boys who want to date her. This really means that your husband does not trust your daughter's judgment in selecting the boys with whom she'll communicate or date. Based on your description of your daughter's responsible behaviors, your husband needs to be tolerant of his daughter's natural interest in boys. He will find that the more he tries to control her social activities after school, the more he will drive her to become defiant and rebellious. It is a time-tested axiom that the more we forbid natural inclinations of teenagers, who are really repeating the same, earlier adolescent behaviors of their parents, the more desirable that forbidden fruit becomes.

This does not mean being permissive and allow your daughter to anything she wants. It does mean some parental guidelines need to be in place long before the age of dating. Previous parental supervision of group social activities for their children should have always had curfews, checking in periodically via cell phone, actually being in acceptable places away from home, and having fun within the parameters of faith and family values. If your daughter exercised maturity of judgment within these guidelines, then both you and your husband should continue to trust her with mixed gender activities outside your home now, unless she betrays that trust. Not accepting this with respect for his daughter means that maybe your husband is the one who needs to grow up.

Any overly protective parent can literally stifle a child's developmental growth toward eventually living in the real world. Possibly allowing your daughter to double-date for the first year might gradually enable both of you to get used to her being out on her own and more independent. This fosters mutual trust while ensuring safety in numbers. Building confidence in your daughter will influence mature judgment to stay in control of various dating situations. Boys will learn they have to meet her standards of conduct or look elsewhere.

In the meantime, dad needs to calm down and trust his daughter's character and judgment which he helped develop for fifteen years. If he can't do this, it's like admitting that neither of you did a very good parenting job in preparing your daughter for the inevitable reality of early dating. Each time before she leaves your home for a date or simply to "hang out" with friends, the best thing you can say to her is, Always remember who you are and where you come from. Then trust her and God that she will act accordingly.