Long-term Relationships
Dr. A,I have always had problems staying in a long-term relationship. Things are great for a while and then it just seems to fall apart. Maybe my expectations are too much or maybe I just don’t know what it means to be in love. What does it mean to be “in love” and how do you sustain a long-term relationship?
~ Wanting a long-term
relationship in Burlington
Dear wanting a long-term
relationship in Burlington,
The first question you need to ask yourself is how much you
love you, not in a selfish or arrogant sense, but in terms
of your unique giftedness as a blessing from God. Are you
proud of who you are as a decent human being along
with the dreams and life goals you have set for
yourself? If you can sustain this kind of high
self-esteem within your heart and soul (not based on the
physical images projected by the media), then you are
capable of giving and sustaining authentic love with a
significant other who is worthy of who you are as a
person. Otherwise, your progressive identity on
your life’s journey will become dependent on someone
else liking or loving you to relieve your
insecurities due to a lack of courage and
self-confidence. This is a set- up for personal
disappointment, disillusionment, and sometimes heartache if
you allow someone else the power to validate your
authentic self. Short-term relationships often end this
way, especially if the other person is really just using
you for his/her own needs with little or no consideration
for yours and no real commitment, crucial toward
sustaining any a long-term relationship.
Most people are capable of loving (caring for) many others
for different reasons depending on their diverse needs for
a wide range of relationships (family, friends, parenting
children, financial security, societal status, etc.).
In this regard, you must determine what kind of
relationship you want and not allow someone else to control
that psychological/emotional decision for you. Most
short-term relationships are based on overt or subliminal
conditions within an individual such as: “I’ll love
you as long as..., I’ll love you if..., I’ll love you
when..., etc.” This kind of conditional love is really a
desire for someone else to bring you happiness in life. No
one else can do that except yourself through strong faith,
character based on positive values, and perseverance to
stay focused on the goals of your personal destiny. Others
can only enrich the quality of your life; true
happiness and inner contentment are always your
responsibility. The expectation that a
significant other should make you happy is unrealistic
and will often cause a reaction of blame towards the
other person also characterized by symptoms of
irritability, resentment, anger, and possibly depression
(anger turned inward over time). These behaviors
will often include a growing desire to control the
other person and the parameters of the relationship
itself due to a continuous anxiety and fear of
being emotionally hurt, rejected, or abandoned.
Nearly all pretentious relationships (non-authentic which
look good to others) go through various stages of initial
euphoria, disappointment, arguing over differences,
declining respect and consideration, possible
betrayal, and an eventual plateau of mutual
resignation if there is no courage to separate or terminate
the relationship. In contrast, long-term relationships such
as true, spiritual marriages, involve a
lifelong constancy of an authentic, in love,
inner-peace based on absolute trust, open and timely
communication (no suppression or hidden agendas), respect
(even during disagreements), and a never-ending
commitment to making the relationship stronger and
more meaningful every day.
One of the best, universally accepted definitions of
love can be found in I Corinthians 13:4-8. Real,
authentic, unconditional love is always circular with
no ending because needs, wants, and dreams are both mutual
and natural in this kind of rare relationship, the ideal
for marital bliss! Regardless of different habits,
propensities, or personalities of the
individuals in this kind of marriage, there is no
dance of awkwardness or manipulation of the other
through guilt or blame, and certainly no motivation to
control or change the other person through levying
unrealistic, self-centered expectations. Giving your
heart and soul to another, after God, is the most
vulnerable act a human can ever do and requires great
courage and absolute trust. This capability is rare in most
people, which is why there are so many Fred & Ethel
marriages in which the relationship is endured rather than
truly lived through romance and intimacy. These folks are
usually nice people but sometimes co-exist for
over 50 years but have actually been in love for less than
five years. They stay together for practical reasons: for
the sake of the children, economics,
societal/family/religious expectations, lack of courage to
separate, and issues of codependency.
Falling in love is never dependent on an analytical
checklist of projected criteria for that special person in
the future. More often than not, when you finally meet the
one, your self-determined checklist will be shattered as
both of you will experience an unexpected transformation
never to be the same again; because each of you will simply
know that the other is your destiny, lasting into heaven.
Remember, if you have to analyze with your brain instead of
trusting your heart (where God speaks to us), then you’ll
probably pose the question: “How do I know if I’m
really in love?” If you have to ask, you’re not.
